I am over the half way mark in this pregnancy. I have felt many things, happiness, anxious, joy, hopeful, excited and more. There is one emotion that keeps creeping in, fear. I spent the first trimester fearing a miscarriage. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past. After I heard the heartbeat for the first time and had the first ultrasound my fear morphed. I was beyond ecstatic that this baby was here to stay but then I started to worry about complications and the post partum period. For the next 10 weeks I feared I would have placenta previa again. I had my anatomy scan and everything looks good, and I have been cleared for VBAC.
Now I am just scared for the future. I’m scared about the time after this little one arrives. I am so scared that I will once again develop post partum psychosis. I had it after my first, which you can read about here. Though I have a plan in place, and a treatment team specific to perinatal mental health I am still so scared.
I am scared that I will lose touch with reality and miss out on the first few weeks.
I am scared that my toddler will be scared of me if she sees me like that.
I am scared that I will become a burden to my husband and family.
I am sacred I will be too disorganized to care for my new baby or even myself.
I am scared I will be snowed with medication which will make me too tired to even act as a mom.
I am scared that I will have to be on high doses of medication meaning I won’t be able to breastfeed.
I am scared that I will have to spend time in a psychiatric ward.
I am scared that my husband will get frustrated with me.
I am scared that I will do stupid and embarrassing things that will haunt me forever, because I already have those and don’t want more.
I am just scared.
My number one hope is for a healthy baby. My second is for me to remain a healthy Mama.
I am Pregnant and I am scared.